It's my birthday week and wow has it been a rollercoaster. How can you think about birth without thinking about death? How can I think about coming into this world without thinking about the person who gave birth to me? Put those thoughts together and you can understand how I am feeling consumed missing Mom. It's tough. I remember last year and every detail about my birthday and the day after...
I was huge and past my due date with Miles. I was nervous all day long as I dreaded the day after my birthday...I was going in to be induced. Brad and I sat with my parents and grandmother outside at mellow mushroom for pizza and "free" garlic knots that spelled out my name (just for the record MM in Winston is not as cool as Asheville since they do not participate in free garlic knots on your bday) So, no knots after all. I was back and forth in tears all day. Oh and just a note about me...I have this "thing" about sharing my birthday. I hate it. For years I have celebrated my birthday during the first day of school, weddings, traveling, and as fate would have it my first period. So, naturally I did not want to be in labor on that day...or really the day after since the expectation would consume my thoughts on my birthday. Well, the conversation that day was all about meeting Miles the next day and family planing to be there, how long it could take, how I was feeling about it all, and comments about "next time we see you...." It was just all so crazy. Mom would put her hands on my big belly and would just squeal with her words of excitement. I went home and hysterically cried that night, hardly getting any sleep at all. I was so afraid of it all.
But the next day (without too many "labor" details), I received the most awesome birthday gift ever, my sweet Miles. After hours of labor with no progress, my mom sat there next to my bed. I was exhausted, teary, and still very nervous about it all. She just rubbed my arm and said over and over with tears forming "I know honey, but it's going to be okay" What a sweet sweet memory. One I will always cherish. She was there the whole time. I was so scared about this moment in my life, scared I wouldn't make it through, scared I would never meet my son. Mom knew my fears and just kept rubbing my arm. I could have never imagined that it would be Mom that would not make it through his first year. As I write this, my heart aches though the celebration of my sweet little one year old. It is a bittersweet birthday once again. I would rather attend the first day of school on my birthday..every birthday for the rest of my life than miss Mom the way I do right now.
Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. We can't have life without death. We are broken and are made for more than our feeble worldly brains can comprehend. I look around this world and know that there has to be more. I knew Mom so well, and when it all came to an end and it was just her body lying there, I knew that there was more to Mom than that body. If I believe what I say I do, then I can't be sad for Mom. Sure, it sucks for me most days...but, she has been made complete. She has now seen what we were made for. How could I ever wish her to be a part of this world once she has tasted her life in heaven? What we are left with is a hole, an emptiness from missing her. It reminds me everyday of Christ and His sacrifice. How sinful we all are, how much we need Him. We are fallen. He is good. I do not understand His ways all the time, but I will continue to trust in Him and his redemption of life's crappy dealings.
Happy birthday Miles. I miss you Mom.
