In the next two weeks, a lot is going to change. Summertime is going to officially take hold on its season. People will begin vacations. BBQ and swimming parties will happen all around us. Mom and Chuck will celebrate 25 years of marriage...and Mom will lay down to rest with Jesus.
I feel a lot of things these days. I still cry all the time, and my mind is never at rest. I am overwhelmed with the amount of memories that flood back to me every day. I think about Mom when I add cream to my coffee (or in Mom's case add coffee to her cream), when I choose clothes for Miles to wear (so many pieces of his wardrobe are "things I just picked up, a little treat from Nana"), when I water my plants (she loved to buy almost dead plants and bring them back to life...such a green thumb) and I think about her every time it is quiet and I am still. It hurts so much. I am grieving every moment.
I want life to stop. Why is everyone working? Why do I have to grocery shop, clean the house, do laundry? Why do we "keep living" life? It seems so wrong.
However, in the midst of this, a prayer has been on my mind.
Brad and I began a journal for Miles during our pregnancy and in it, I wrote this prayer for Miles. It is not mine but one given to Henri Nouwen by his mentor.
May all your expectations be frustrated.
May all your plans be thwarted.
May all your desires be withered into nothingness.
That you may experience the powerlessness and the poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God the Father, the Son and the Spirit.
It seems harsh, I know. I don't want hard and terrible things for Miles. But as a mother, I so desire for him to sing and dance in the love of God the Father. And, I am learning that only through our experiences do we learn hurt and the redemption that comes from it. In all of this great hurt, I know I am being shaped...being made more like Christ. I am being sanctified each and every day. It is painful and I can't say that I even want it. But here I am. My expectations are frustrated. My plans are thwarted. My desires are withered into nothingness. I am experiencing powerlessness and poverty. I want to sing and dance in the love of God the Father.