In the next two weeks, a lot is going to change. Summertime is going to officially take hold on its season. People will begin vacations. BBQ and swimming parties will happen all around us. Mom and Chuck will celebrate 25 years of marriage...and Mom will lay down to rest with Jesus.
I feel a lot of things these days. I still cry all the time, and my mind is never at rest. I am overwhelmed with the amount of memories that flood back to me every day. I think about Mom when I add cream to my coffee (or in Mom's case add coffee to her cream), when I choose clothes for Miles to wear (so many pieces of his wardrobe are "things I just picked up, a little treat from Nana"), when I water my plants (she loved to buy almost dead plants and bring them back to life...such a green thumb) and I think about her every time it is quiet and I am still. It hurts so much. I am grieving every moment.
I want life to stop. Why is everyone working? Why do I have to grocery shop, clean the house, do laundry? Why do we "keep living" life? It seems so wrong.
However, in the midst of this, a prayer has been on my mind.
Brad and I began a journal for Miles during our pregnancy and in it, I wrote this prayer for Miles. It is not mine but one given to Henri Nouwen by his mentor.
May all your expectations be frustrated.
May all your plans be thwarted.
May all your desires be withered into nothingness.
That you may experience the powerlessness and the poverty of a child and sing and dance in the love of God the Father, the Son and the Spirit.
It seems harsh, I know. I don't want hard and terrible things for Miles. But as a mother, I so desire for him to sing and dance in the love of God the Father. And, I am learning that only through our experiences do we learn hurt and the redemption that comes from it. In all of this great hurt, I know I am being shaped...being made more like Christ. I am being sanctified each and every day. It is painful and I can't say that I even want it. But here I am. My expectations are frustrated. My plans are thwarted. My desires are withered into nothingness. I am experiencing powerlessness and poverty. I want to sing and dance in the love of God the Father.
Leigh, I am so sorry you have to live through this. I imagine it feels a lot like our final time with Dad. I have to say it never goes away, but sometimes it gets a little easier to live with. For a while, I felt like I was walking around with this big sign over my head "MY DAD JUST DIED", but no one could really see. They were all living their normal lives. It was hard, but it got easier. And, it has strengthened my faith and trust in God. For that, at least, I am thankful. Thank you for sharing some of your memories about your mom. Remembering Dad has helped me some, especially telling my boys about things he liked, or imagining what he would have thought or said about something we're doing. I'll be praying for you and your family. Love you LOTS!
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for the unforgettable moment of eye-to-eye, responsive communication with my dear sister on Saturday. I will treasure this timeless experience for the rest of my life and safeguard that memory deep in my heart.
ReplyDeleteTommy
May you sing and dance, Leigh. And may the rest of us be able to exhibit such grace in our difficulties. Your mother has raised a beautiful young woman. She is proud, I know.
ReplyDeleteJennifer Diggs
Leigh, that prayer is so powerful! I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because I can feel the hopelessness in your heart. Yet I know that you are clinging to the One who gives us hope. My heart breaks for you and I'm so amazed each day that you blog. Your insight and honesty is awesome. Know that you're being prayed for daily. Love in Christ, Leslie Hays Broome
ReplyDeleteLeigh, Miles is such a lucky little boy. You are such an awesome mom. I am so sorry you are having to go through such difficult times. You are so strong and such an inspriation to me. I am so glad that God put you in my life. You are a light in a dark world. I know your mom is proud of you even though she may not be able to tell you. Leigh shine,sing and dance in the love of the father. I am proud to be your friend. I am praying for you. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteGretchen Kanupp